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The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work, by Eli J Finkel
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Review
"The beauty of this [Finkel's] new model is that the potential psychological benefits increase as you climb the hierarchy of needs."—Chicago Tribune"In his new book, The All-or-Nothing Marriage, Finkel argues that 21st century spouses seek partners who bring out their best, most authentic selves.”—TIME"An important book... full of interesting insights on contemporary marriage."—David Brooks, The New York Times“Truly… an excellent book.”--Scientific American“The good news is that, unlike the fate of competitors in a winner-take-all financial transaction, one person’s spectacular marriage doesn’t doom anyone else’s to failure. Mr. Finkel’s book shares research on what happens in the best marriages, with the aim to help everyone else likewise score and “all” rather than a “nothing” partnership... Finkel offers tough love advice…” --The Wall Street Journal“Mr. Finkel [is] one of the leading lights in the realm of relationship psychology.” --The Economist“An impressive work that not only charts the history of marriage from hunter-gatherers onwards and explores all the ways marriage has evolved over the years but also boils the wealth of data to simple, attainable advice.” --The Huffington Post“A thoughtful, impressive work that charts the history of marriage and the in which ways marriage has evolved over the years while boiling the wealth of data into simple, attainable advice.”--Fatherly, The Best New Books About Sex and Marriage“After years of debate and inquiry, the key to a great marriage remained shrouded in mystery. Until now. In his All-or-Nothing Marriage, Eli Finkel reveals the fascinating ways in which marriage has evolved and the things we can all do to help this all-important relationship flourish. You will definitely want to read this book.”—Carol Dweck, Stanford professor and author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success“If you’ve ever wondered what science has to say about how marriage has changed over time and what makes for a great one, this is the book to read. Eli Finkel is one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, and his insights are both comprehensive and revealing.”—Adam Grant, author of Give and Take, Originals, and Option B (coauthored with Sheryl Sandberg) “Eli Finkel has written an incredible analysis of the state of marriage, and a useful guide for everyone trying to make their relationship work better. He also promised us cheeseburgers if we wrote this blurb. Please get those to us ASAP, Eli.”—Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg, co-authors of Modern Romance “This book makes a lot of sense, and it is written by an eminent scholar. It should be an essential part of every therapist's bookshelf.”—John M. Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work “Fascinating! Eli Finkel offers us an educated, enlightening perspective on our most important adult relationship; better still, his perspective on marriage is one of hope and inspiration.”—Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense “An engaging, perceptive exploration of a modern paradox. We need marriage less than ever for practical survival and social success, but we demand more satisfaction and meaning from it than ever. The higher we climb in our emotional expectations, Finkel argues, the more oxygen we need to pump into our relationships.”—Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage a History: How Love Conquered Marriage “Marriages are like rapids-filled rivers, sweeping us along toward desired destinations, both emotional and practical, while imperiling the journey with unseen rocks of ruin. With an account that is impressive in scholarship and erudition, Eli Finkel has provided a much needed chart for understanding and navigating the waters.”—Robert B. Cialdini, author of Influence and Pre-Suasion “Eli Finkel’s All-or-Nothing Marriage is an excellent, accessible guide to today’s high-investment, high-reward marriages.”—Andrew Cherlin, Prof. of Sociology, Director, Program on Social Policy, Johns Hopkins University“No one knows more about the science of relationships than Eli Finkel. This book is bound to spark a conversation. A must-read for anyone interested in building or maintaining a strong marriage.”—Jonah Berger, Wharton professor and author of Contagious and Invisible Influence“What a wonderful book by Eli Finkel. He’s a natural writer—with an original and scientific view of marriage today and tomorrow. In short, marriage is evolving from a pragmatic survival strategy, to a romantic companionship, to a personal-growth adventure. And our best marriages today are better than anything of the past. It’s optimistic, sensible and engaging. And Finkel adds fascinating historical and cross-cultural facts and some highly useful tips on how to travel the bumpy road to happy coupledom. You’ll like it...and use it.”—Dr. Helen Fisher, author of Anatomy of Love and Why We Love“In his deeply insightful and beautifully written book on the paradox of modern marriage, Eli Finkel shines the bright light of science on the most important, rewarding, and vexing of all human relationships.”—Daniel Gilbert, Harvard University Edgar Pierce professor of psychology, author of Stumbling on Happiness“What do we actually know about good (and bad) marriages? That simple question is surprisingly difficult to answer, but Eli J. Finkel's The All-or-Nothing Marriage is the best place I know to start.”—Tyler Cowen, economics professor at George Mason University and author of Average is Over“While pundits debate the ever-evolving institution of marriage, Eli Finkel offers a fresh, nonpartisan analyses of changing trends, and even practical advice for the long-coupled. Anyone in a committed romantic relationship—whether or not they’re legally wed—will benefit from the generosity and care he brings to the topic.”—Kate Bolick, author of Spinster: Making a Life of One's Own“A thorough analysis of American marriage throughout the ages. In this comprehensive examination, Finkel...traces the evolution of this sacred institution from the earliest days of hunter-gatherer societies to modern times....In addition to extensive research, the author bolsters the narrative with charts, diagrams, and numerous quotes from a variety of sources. As the author writes, it is possible to create a loving, lasting union, but it requires work, communication, and commitment on the part of both parties, and the process will change as time progresses.”—Kirkus Reviews"A fantastic new book that looks at our complex history with the institution, exploring how marriage has changed and evolved, and how we can change and evolve along with it."--The Toronto Star"The All-or-Nothing Marriage is a fascinating read about our culture's relationship to relationships."--Books for Better Living“For Finkel, it’s fine to look at marriage as a means to personal happiness, but it’s a “two-way street.” It’s about giving as much as it is getting, and forgetting that is the surest way to let your marriage fall apart.” --Vox.com
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About the Author
ELI J. FINKEL is a professor of psychology and of management and organizations at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University and the director of the Relationships and Motivation Lab. He has published more than one hundred scholarly papers and has won the most prestigious early career awards in both social psychology and relationship science. He is among the youngest scholars ever to serve as an associate editor of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the top journal in his field, where he is also a widely published author.
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Product details
Hardcover: 352 pages
Publisher: Dutton (September 19, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 052595516X
ISBN-13: 978-0525955160
Product Dimensions:
6.4 x 1.1 x 9.3 inches
Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.1 out of 5 stars
63 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#43,482 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
The institution of marriage and our expectations of what makes it successful are always in flux. It wasn't long ago that marriage was anchored in pragmatic needs of maintaining a household. Fast forward a little, perhaps a century or so, and we are seeing first roots of a search for "romantic love" taking hold as the new aspiration. Finally looking back at the last few decades, the formula for success has become the "all in one package": romantic and spiritual partner, parent and confidant, sexual hero and more — all the while we spend less time with friends, and more time working and parenting. We keep raising the bar, but does that even make sense?In the first half of the book, Eli Finkel provides the historical backdrop, helping us position our modern expectations against those of previous generations — a good reminder that there are no absolutes, and we should not jump to conclusions too fast. The second half of the book examines the hodgepodge modern expectations that we've placed on ourselves, and provides a data-driven perspective and tips on how to build a successful marriage. A few of the suggested "love hacks":- Touch — physical expression of love goes a long way.- Don’t jump to conclusions — change your attributional style to give the benefit of the doubt.- Picture yourselves from the outside — if you were a bystander, how would you react?- Gratitude — write down, share, and celebrate things your partner has done for the two of you.- Learn to accept a compliment — healthy self-esteem nurtures healthy relationships.- Celebrate their small victories — get excited about your partner's success.In short, a great guide to help pause and self-reflect on how to succeed in our "everything and all at once" world.
I was hoping/expecting to learn some new, earth-shattering advice about how to strengthen one's marriage. Instead, the first half of the book was spent learning about the history of marriage and about the author's definition of an "all-or-nothing" marriage. The last half of the book had some helpful ideas, but most of them (communicate better, don't rely on your partner to meet all of your needs, etc.) were fairly obvious.
“Post-menopausal†was mentioned exactly once, at the end of a sentence. At the time when relationships are most vulnerable, the author’s GPS finds no location, no road, no town to observe or study. I appreciate the many valuable insights and analyses, but when data is averaged it still only represents one point on the spectrum. I kept waiting to read an example of couples over 60 or lovehacks to mitigate the fallout from bankruptcy, financial ruin, a heart attack or stroke. Will there be a Part 2?
I had very much anticipated the publication of the “All-or-nothing Marriage†and pre-ordered copies for a small seminar I’m teaching on personal relationships and family. This is a great book for many audiences, ranging from scholars and students of marriage and relationships (and from many disciplines) to the avid reader who wants to learn about the state of marriage from one of the top scholars in the scientific field of close relationships. Eli Finkel has produced an excellent, science-based book that begins with a discussion of how marriage has changed, and then moves to presenting advice, grounded in research, on how anyone can improve their marriage (or relationship). Interesting and enjoyable read!
I am often asked, who are the three researchers that you follow regularly? One is Eli Finkel (I'll share the others when they produce killer books). Finkel asks the questions other people dance around. He has been exploring the mechanisms that lead to healthy, meaningful, exciting, committed relationships for years. As a leading researcher on romantic relationships, it is perfect for him to be communicating about this science to the general public.This is not simply a book about psychological research as it is also a journey through the changing landscape of how marriage has been defined, reified, and influential over the past 200 years. He spends a great deal of time synthesizing wisdom from psychology, sociology, and anthropology to offer a case on how our expectations, time usage, parenting style, and approach to friendships, neighbors, and romance influence the quality of our lives. The first half of the book points out the uphill battle confronting the modern marriage. A combination of less time spent with friends, more time spent working, and the expectation that our need for personal growth is to be satiated through our romantic partner contributes to an obstacle course that few marriages can survive.In the second part of the book, he offers a number of solutions. Easy to implement, scientifically informed strategies to supercharge a romantic relationship. He calls them lovehacks. A horrible term that can easily be forgiven. What matters is the content. You will walk away from this book with concrete strategies that can be immediately applied. I won't list them here so you can enjoy the read.Overall, this is one of the best books on romantic relationships published in the past decade. Easy to read. Backed by sexy scientific research. Interesting information to talk about at the next social gathering. Valuable strategies to refine your romantic life.I wish that word marriage was not in the title as this is really a book for anyone who is in or plans to be in a romantic relationship.enjoy,Todd
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